Good Grief
‘Doc. My wife’s funeral is tomorrow. Can you give me a pill to stop me crying?’
I have been asked this question, or a variation of it, countless times. Grieving is unpleasant. It is unattractive. It makes us look and feel messy. We cannot control it, so we may be tempted to stop ourselves feeling it. Hence wanting the tablet. Or drinking alcohol. Or taking drugs.
Although it is unpleasant, grief is a healthy reaction to loss.
The loss may be a person, such as the death of a loved one.
We may lose a treasure, perhaps a precious gift from a parent.
We may have lost a relationship, like a friend who has rejected us and will no longer speak to us.
We may lose an opportunity, such as a promotion or new job.
We may even grieve over a more abstract loss- such as a loss of safety after a burglary.
The experience of grief is like facing a tunnel through an otherwise impassable mountain. We must journey through it in order to come out of the other side. We cannot go around it. We cannot go under it.
Grief allows us to experience, process and adjust to the loss we have suffered. Only then can we grow and thrive as we invest in a new reality, life on the other side of the mountain.
The tunnel of grief is dark. It can be scary, filled with anger, sadness, embarrassment, doubt and denial. We may not want to enter it. We may stop at the entrance and refuse to go in.
If we do this, our journey stalls and we become stuck. By refusing to enter grief, we cannot healthily adjust to the loss. We lose the ability to grow past the grief. We still suffer the loss, but often cope in maladaptive ways. We might deny the significance of the loss. Or pretend things are fine when they are not. We may avoid talking with others about the loss. We can become isolated. This can feed anxiety, despair and depression.
Grief is not comfortable. But neither is exercise. But they are both good for us in the long run. If you are struggling through grief, make sure you reach out for help. Talk with friends and family. Seek professional help if you feel stuck- your GP is a good place to start. Remember, we at Integro Health are here to help you think well, feel well, and live well.
And to grieve well.